flashback, life, memories, my mother, youth


I keep waking up and having flashbacks to how my mother was towards me…
Yesterday, I fell to the floor, crying remembering acutely how she went to hit me in my eye after I’d had surgery to remove a tumor from there and it was still fresh.  Like just days later. I stood in the living room and she had hatred in her eyes and raised her ugly scrawny hand high to slap my face. I flinched and gasped, felt utter fear in that instant that her hand slamming into my eye would burst the tender eyeball, with twenty stiches keeping it held together. Keeping the fluid inside. I feared my eye would burst with the impact. And with the gasp that escaped my lips, turned my head sharply to the side. And with her hand still raised in the air to strike, she threw her head back and laughed. A loud, cackling laugh, evil in every way. A sound that makes it thru to me, here, 26 years later.
Fear that grips my soul, must somehow be stored within my soul somewhere.
I gathered that shaking tightly together, steadied my jello legs and while her hand was still raised, her head thrown back with guttural laughter, I said to her matter of factly,  “you’re crazy” and walked away.
I don’t know if I cried then. I think back and don’t even know if I could, the tumor in my eye was on the ciliary body, which is responsible for making tears, go figure.
But yesterday, I fell to the floor and lay there weeping.



The news of the recent earthquake reached me and I reached back in time, in my mind to a month spent there, in Nepal, from January til February, 1994.

Doubly reaching back, as being there was like stepping back in time itself.

It really made an impression me that the Nepalese are the kindest, most genuine people ever. When they say “Namaste” to you, it’s not just them saying “hi”, they look into your very Soul, actually sincerely acknowledging the common Spirit of Life, Love and Light which we each share. It’s a profound acknowledgement. You can see that they believe it, they mean it, they live it.

There’s no pretense, no superficial jealousy, no “games”, only this sense that everyone, and all sentient beings are connected in something far greater than that which we in the western world use to measure our degree of connectedness, or aloneness.

I remember walking up in the mountains, and came into this village. I was with my American guy friend, and our Nepalese guy friend, when a group of four girls, about my age came skipping up from behind us, their arms interlocking with each other. They were laughing and skipping with just pure joy, and took me by my arms, joined me to them, calling me “deedee” which means sister, and I was taken into skipping and laughing with them along the path. I’ll never forget that.

Another great memory is being at a “tea house”, which is someone’s house turned into a mini hotel. Bare dirt floors, a few bedrooms, with metal framed beds, and a big fireplace, more like a fire pit, in the living room. My guy friends were asleep in their room, and I went and sat cross legged on the floor in the living room with the circle of women. There were about 10 there. Although they all spoke to each other in a language I couldn’t understand, their laughter was something which needed no translation. The elderly woman sitting next to me looking in my eyes with pure open genuine soulful eyes, all wrinkly from years of living, working, crying, and laughing, leaned in close to me, put her arm around my shoulders, nodding, including me as if I was her own granddaughter. When I left their company, and lay down in my bed, the sounds of their laughter and chatting lulled me to sleep, feeling utterly content.

Really praying for these people now during this earthquake and the aftershocks.

They don’t have our “conveniences”, they had holes in the ground for toilets, and piles of garbage in the streets for dumps, buckets of cold water in sheds for showers in the mountains. When the “Princess” came through Kathmandu with her entourage one evening, all the electricity in the city had to be turned off during that time to make it possible for her to have her procession and where she was staying all lit up.

Another memory of watching people wash their clothes in the same river, where upstream, a man sat continuously beside a fire, next to a temple, to burn into ashes those who had died to let their ashes flow with the river. God have mercy on the Nepalese during this time.


Recall that girl of twenty two

Recall that girl of twenty two
Stop here a minute and recall her back into being
Recall the steps she walked, the road she walked in the sun, in the rain, in the clouds to work at this place here on this cliff above this ocean
Recall the mountainside she stared at (with pompous grass swaying gently and rocky crumbly earth beneath) thru the window on lonely days when no customers came
Into the store where she worked,
The little gas station where she pumped gas and washed windows of cars replenishing their traveling
Recall the cliff’s edge she peered over while cleaning cabins,
Little songs from church escaping a freed soul
(Then sings my Soul! My savior unto thee.. how great though art, how great though art!!)
Recall bussing tables and bringing water to strangers in a busy clanking restaurant
Recall the little apartment downstairs where her friend lived and she visited and had long talks into the nights, wrote on her computer, poetry now lost
Recall making homemade pizza from scratch, she and I made the dough, sauce, placed cheeses
The guys went abalone hunting on the mountains in the sea, and chantrell mushroom picking from up by the hermitage
And we all enjoyed the best pizza ever created!
Recall the little cabin at the end of the cliff, out back of the lodge
Where she drank beers and listened to Eric Clapton blast out over the sea with co workers after our shifts were done, and the lodge locked down talking and talking and smoking “holy weed”
Recall the moment she walked thru an empty parking lot and looked at her hand for the very first time in her entire young life and saw
A Heart
there imprinted in lines
Recall that moment of discovery, inspiration, revelation
“There’s a Heart on my hand! There’s a Heart in the center of the palm of my hand!!”
Recall the amazement, Joy, realization that it meant something
not knowing what it meant, but knowing it did mean something, and that something was special, sacred, and holding that hand in her other hand, like a found treasure,
A keepsake,a reminder,a clue,a sign,a reason to be alive still and keep living to find the treasure it she somehow knew it led to, would lead her to find
Re-call that girl of twenty two,
re-call her back into being
She is you.
Recall popping cassettes into the portable player, and playing them over and over again for hours
That memory, yes, that one,
Of closing the door, and turning the sign over to say “closed” and turning up the music loud
Because no one could hear.
No one bothered your state of mind
No one said no
All was free and wild here..
then restocking the shelves with overpriced sodas and juices
Going back and forth to the supply room, carrying what I could hold in my hand, the hand with the Heart,
And singing.
Mopping the floor with an old mop, one of those with the rope brushes and a bucket with a bar in the middle for ringing it out
Filling the bucket with water from the big sink, with the hose you pulled down with a metal ring thing
Soapy water sloshing as you brought it into the store for the final mopping
Evening time
Do you know what it’s like, dancing with a mop like this?
If you haven’t ever done it, I highly recommend.
Empty room, save for me
Could dance and sing to my heart’s content
Nobody cared
Here it was wild and free
Here there were no rules as to who you were to be.
Rules on clocking in and clocking out and cleaning up and making reservations in the book
But no rules on who to be
Free to be yourself
Accepted as yourself
Only the strangest ones passed thru here anyway
Cars broke down, and jobs were got on a whim
You never knew who was running from what
Or who had a gun stashed somewhere
Or a secret barely glinting out the corner of an eye
You never knew
And no one asked
Unless it was offered, the story behind the arrival, it was a secret hidden safe in the place all other secrets were held… and you knew that the mountains and the sea and the sky knew. Knew everyone and everything. Knew with a deep knowing, presence of God, omnipotence, omniscient, God’s Country, pure and wild and free
Knowing knowing knowing
Seemed planning each stage of some timeless play..
Some surreal aspect of life lived in full sight of the naked Eye of God
Mountains sea and sky planning away, caring for your each step
And you knew
Could feel it in the breeze, in the fog which rolled down the street like Angels approaching
And no matter what,
Here on the edge of the earth,
On the edge of insanity
On that line which divides here from there,
Then from now,
Heaven from earth,
Light from dark,
Space from time,
On that edge, that line, you knew
You were safe.
Call back into being that essence of you you’ve kept well hidden and secret all these years hence
Because who you were then is imprinted, engraved upon your Soul
And never lost
Mountains sky and sea kept it safe
The knowledge
The peace
The ultimate truth of your being
Which you were blessed enough to get a glimpse of,a taste of, an experience of
They, the Buddhist friends said it was something from some past life which afforded that time of divine healing
Some Grace which allowed for space of here in which to heal
“Hear here to heal” he wrote in my 23rd birthday card
The young postulate guy who befriended me
Recall sliding down the mountainside with him, to a secret beach, and laying on that beach, naked side by side with no ideas of impurity, only freedom to be
And soak up the sun and discuss
The everlasting and the suffering of this life
Recall the sound of the waves crashing, feel of the sand at your feet, your long thick dark hair caressing down your tanned back, warmth of a sun cleansing, sea water splashing the cells of our bodies, free
That feeling of being utterly naked, in physical, in thought, in speech
And experiencing pure purity
Where no improper conduct could reach to mar
Recall that feeling of complete safety.
It’s yours, Bonnie.
To integrate what once was with what now is, is to be on the path to becoming whole.
Recognizing the many parts are not lost, not forgotten, not without meaning…

Your missing piece is the treasure.

At this point, during this time, you too were running, escaping
From an abusive relationship with a man you still loved, and didn’t want to leave.
Unintertwining yourself from him.
Born Again.
Into Christ, into God
Without having thought of that term before, you knew.
The mountains, sky and sea knew too.
Assistants on your Journey.
Alive with the life force of God
Just like you just like me
The mountains sky and sea
Same force of life
Same reason to be
I would hear even the rocks calling out to praise their, our Creator
It all became Real
The Bible, the truths taught in school classes, in church services
While going thru abuse on every level, those lessons imprinted upon me and made themselves known, real now during this time..

Your fault, your misunderstanding, your problem has been not acknowledging this sacred, blessed, revived time as the starting point. As important pieces to the tapestry of your life. Oh so clear, beautiful, wondrous, amazing.

Pregnant, you felt that first little movement, first little kick, as you sat in the car of a priest to be, talking in the parking lot of the lodge, overlooking the cabins and sea, at the side there.
He told me “there are special ones coming into the planet now, needed ones, beings of Heaven and of Light” and at that moment,a movement, that first kick I felt clearly.
He was right.
I raised her singly
With the help of God and Angels
In town after her first year here
Along this coast
Within these mountains
In complete and full Love
To negate and wipe out the abuse of my childhood and youth.
Concentrated effort, devoted energy, conscious activity.
In college now, she is, and you, single.
You’ve been going back to the abuse to define who you are.
That’s not right.
It served as fertilizer only.
Who you are
Started at your rebirth
In God’s Country
After the abuse, after the cycle was broken and chain was snapped,
And forgiveness was realized, and mercy given by me and to me.
Begin again from here now.
Re-call all you learned, all you gained in understanding, in Vision, in absolute Grace of God and in peace sought and found.
Start from here Bon.
The slate has been wiped clean.
The stone is yet uncarved, as you wished it to be.
Your Soul is still free.
Wild and pure and light and free.
Claim it as yourself.
Start from the point of rebirth.
There is no other way to peace than to be in peace and recognize the Grace which imprinted Peace, Love and Joy upon your Soul.
In all those moments, in all those memories, in all that gained understanding for you lies your treasure.
“You’re ready for the Gift now” she told me in a Dream three months before I left Santa Barbara. An older version woman of myself, with wildish hair, and a pastel colored shawl walked up to me, on the street on which I lived, in a garage. Close to the thousand steps beach, in the middle of the street, she walked up to me. As she approached me, a circle of powerful strong energy surrounded her, and thus surrounded me, keeping me there in that space…her space, my space, circle of energy. Slowly, she walked up to me, her eyes on mine deeply holding me there consciously. Face to face now, she reached out her hand, placed it on my chest, and said those words to me “You are ready for the Gift now” then she withdrew her hand, just as surely, as slowly, as peacefully, turned around and walked away. That circle of power-energy staying steady and strong with her and keeping me there, in that spot, until she had gone fully. And I was left standing there alone. In my Dream, I went to a park to try and tell people, but no one would listen, no one cared. I was lit on fire with energy.
The first place I lived in Big Sur, I had moved with a guy who was kinda my boyfriend, and we worked at another hotel place and lived in a trailer.
One day, after only a couple months there, the owner asked to speak with me. She told me she had to let us go, fire both of us, and I was distraught. I loved it there. She saw this sadness and uncertainty in my eyes, placed her hand upon my chest and said “It isn’t you..” I felt a heat sensation inside me there, and it remained for nearly an hour.
Onwards we moved to Lucia.
Stayed in his van, at a campsite for two weeks until applying for and getting jobs at Lucia lodge.

That Journey was in the midst of a changed life.

Recall that Grace Bonnie.
That is who are.
That is your treasure.
You want to figure out who you are now? Go back to that starting point, that turning point, and dance. Dance freely from there Love. For.you.are.truly.loved. loved by God Himself. Take that and find comfort, safety, Love, joy and peace in it.
And girl, never let it go!!
You are always who you were meant to be. Supported by God. Supported by Visions, Graces, Dreams, Mountains, Sky and Sea.
Integrate and move on from there. Your treasure. Your Gift. Use it wisely and fully in complete knowledge of complete safety, in the arms of God, with watchful eyes of Angels, you are safe and you are free.
God bless you always and in all ways.
U R Loved.
And you are safe within the Heart of God.
That Heart on the palm of your hand is there to remind you of where you came from, and where you’re destined to be, and where you have the right to live from. Live from there, live out from the Heart of God.
Claim your treasure.
Claim your Grace.
Claim yourself.
Claim yourself, giving yourself to God freely.
Oh such joy in this! Such freedom and opening!! Such purity and Grace!! Such perfect safety!
God will take care of you, and your daughter. Your life is His alone. All that belongs to you and comes from you is God’s, including your daughter. It’s all connected. We’re all connected. You know that… Love strongly still. Force of Light thru with and in love. Be that gently, Bonnie. And you will not, cannot fail. It’s God’s Will and life that you live. Treat it better. No stress. No anxiety. No depression. All of that is dissolved in the Heart of God girl. Don’t you see?? How could you not see? Take all this to heart. Recall the Love. Pour love thru there which lights the eye time and again and you will find a new kind of sight. I wrote those words on a hotel room wall in Kathmandu, with rats falling out of the ceiling onto me in my bed. Those words are still true today. Jesus help me please.
Resurrection. Risen Lord. Happy Easter! Amen.


In a rowboat, with no oars.
Find myself swirling down rapids.
Alone, in sole rowboat.
Waves huge, crashing all around.
Moving forward all the time
Fast. Confused. Lots of activity.
Monsters attack my weakened state. Angels fight them steadily.
I crouch down in fear.
Let it happen over my head.
While rapids water rushes beneath me.
Swept and swept and swept.
Three years storm now
Or four even
It goes on
The thought of a clearing approaches me
Clouds breaking and clearing?
Could it be true??
All that storm seems so fresh tho
Can I coast a little while?
In what feeling tho?
Fear of another storm?
Peace in coming thru this one?
The evil monsters slink away, like waking from a nightmare
They recede into a dark forest.
Leaving me in the boat on the river,
Still floating along with my hands free, no oars.
Looking up at trees swaying above, and sun starting to shine
Dark forest to the sides
Oh God, could this be Hope??
I feel the sense of battle being fought for my Soul by Angels,
My Angel, my Love
I see the battle in vision
No time to deny the truth
Of Vision
Let it be and be it
Forward always forward
And I hear them in the trees
Replacing the devilish screams
With sweetness
Like sweetened cream
Shriek away those defeated ones
Can’t believe I’ve been fought over and for
By the Hosts of Heaven itself.
Amazing Grace
That I matter
Alone in this boat
Wondering what’s next
And which perspective do I carry forth with me
Confusion in the bent down dark
Is lightening up now
Hope is something now
The river keeps running now
Oh flows to the sea
Oh God
Like trees in summer on that canoe trip in Canada
Just like that, those trees
Real as any perceived reality
Comes to me, bend a sense to it



“You see her now all tired and worn…. she never thought her life would come to be so cold or so alone… she walked in the Light… fought bondage for Love. She said I cast off the chains that I was born with but it never was enough”




Traversing the mountain




This idea came to my mind today. Tacking, changing course with and against and into and opposite from the direction of the wind. When I used to sail in a little boat with my ex boyfriend when I was younger, I remember tacking and the sails coming about fast and sharp and strongly. To catch the wind in the other direction.
Sometimes life is like that. You’ve got to maneuver your boat, your life in response to and co ordination with the wind.
Changing course. To abruptly change direction, as in tacking.
Maybe that’s where I’m at now in life. Depression isn’t doing me any good. In order to move forward, I’ve got to make a huge step, for my own little self and decide that I want to have hope in life and live, not just merely exist until I die, but really live. Thrive. Enjoy. Life. Tack, girl.